Growing up

We've had lots of changes lately.

You got hit in the chest during gym last year. It made a knot. It went away. When you noticed it again, you were really upset because nothing had happened to cause it. Then we noticed it was on both sides. You cried in my lap for the longest time about how you weren't ready. Neither am I, sweet girl.

A couple of weeks ago, you ditched your booster in my car. You were tired of hitting your head on the roof of the car. The belt fits you with nothing under you.

You start middle school tomorrow (well, later today). I'm not ready. You haven't wanted to talk about it. You don't want to grow up. I don't want you to, either.

At the same time, I marvel at the person you are. You are witty, confident (with just the right amount of self-deprecating humor to balance it out). You are kind. You are loving. You still love to cuddle. You love Minecraft, and green, and Tinkerbell.

You are growing, and aren't. You're 'tween. And all of the reasons we call it that become clearer to me as we stay in this middling period. 

So many things and the thing I want you to remember most, always, is that I love you.

Molars

Lost her first baby molar tonight. It surprised her. She said it kind of scared her because it's been so long since she lost one. 

Empowered

We have talked about opting out of testing since you were little. You probably don't remember when it began. We talked about it in abstract terms - the Bartleby Project - and the changes to testing since Chrys and I were kids. 

When you hit 3rd grade, we began being more pointed about it. You were a bit nervous so we talked about how it wasn't about you, it was to evaluate the teachers and make sure that kids weren't falling too far behind. We discussed opting out of you were too nervous. You didn't. 

In 4th grade, we discussed it again. You had scored really well in 3rd so you were confident and decided to take them. The politics were changing a bit and we discussed that. You still thought it was the best thing to do. 

This year, we discussed it yet again. We talked about how ugly the politics behind it were getting. We talked about how we didn't know the right answer. We talked about how there was benefit to these tests because you are so much more confident about testing, in general. We talked about how you will see these kids of tests before college. We talked about how the teachers were slated to be impacted by these tests, how ugly the politics have gotten. You said you liked taking them. They are fun (such your mother's child - I loved them as a kid.) 

Then, as you prepared to get on the bus the morning of, you said you weren't sure any more. I told you, as always, that you were not obligated to take them. That you could change your mind up until you wrote the first answer. However, once you start, you must finish. I sent a quick email to the teacher hat you were undecided. He wrote back later that you had opted out. 

I had a flurry of emotions. I hoped you opted out for the right reasons, but I was worried about peer pressure. I wanted this to be your choice. 

You said you heard me saying that I wasn't sure I wanted you to take them. That's really about it. I wasn't sure. If you enjoy them, there is a lot tied to them. You score well and that helps the district. However, the climate around these tests has changed. There's more at stake, not necessarily for you, but for the teachers and the district. You were, notably, confident in your decision. 

You say you will opt out this week and not next week. That lets you take a stand and still lets you have fun. I think it's an amazing compromise. So much of what I see has become black and white and I marvel, sometimes, at the reminder of the shades of gray. This is a good solution. I applaud you for your actions. I am proud, every day, to bear witness as you come into your personhood.