I was reading about how some women feel that the instantaneous bond with one's baby is something of a myth. It made me start to reflect on my bond with RC and I came to some rather surprising realizations. The biggest one was that I did not fall completely into the category of the women that just sit and enjoy their babies. The Hallmark moments of a mom just sitting there enjoying the child. I interacted with her when I was awake, but when she slept, it was rare for me to just sit and enjoy her. Most of the time, that was my chance to escape for a little bit.
Don't get me wrong, I felt that first intense rush of "wow, that's my baby. I made that and I love her." After the first night, where she was awake and cluster feeding every 30 minutes or so, that wore off some. I handed her off to Chrys and asked him to just keep her quiet so I could sleep. Of course, I'd been awake since 2am the morning before and gone through labor so I was beyond exhaustion. I think my bond with her was greatly tied to my exhaustion level and breastfeeding successes. When my breasts were raw and cracked and I cringed when she latched on, it was hard to sit and look at her and enjoy her. That started calming down around 5-6weeks and then I started to really have a day to day bond with her instead of just the strictly maternal instinct.
However, I lost my dad when she was just 2.5 months and I remember not thinking too much about her during that time, except that I had to get up to take care of her and it was a hassle. Then, I didn't really deal with her on a day-to-day basis. Chrys took care of her much of the day while I sorted papers and talked to lawyers, etc. Looking back, it wasn't fair to me or to her. I abused what I had with Chrys being 'home' because I couldn't deal with her. He was better at soothing, better at getting her to sleep, better at stimulating. In my mind, I was a milk wagon so that's what I became.
When I left my dad's estate behind and we returned to Austin, I was able to get back to her and start bond with her all over again - it's sad that she was almost 9 months old by that time. At the same time, I was still somewhat detached because I didn't know her. I was very frustrated and we spent a lot of time out where I could easily stimulate her because I just didn't know how to deal at home. I still didn't completely enjoy her presence.
I think all of the stress I was under, in addition to being in that time where I was really just getting to know her contributed greatly to my feelings of desperation when we got to Japan. I had been caring for this little girl, but still hadn't clicked with her. I started to wonder what I was doing as a stay-at-home-mom. I felt this overwhelming need to go back to work. I couldn't deal with her. I didn't know how to keep her busy or happy or out of things. She was my responsibility and I loved her, but I still wasn't in love with her.
Since hindsight is 20/20, I realize now that the click was when I was overwhelmed. I think that was the instant that I really bonded with my baby. When I completely fell in love and wanted to spend every moment with her. Part of me feels sad that it took 15 months. Part of me knows that she got everything she needed from me as a caregiver and maternal figure. She is very loving; she still wants to be around me; I didn't push her away; I just didn't enjoy her as much as the books say I should have been able to.
On the other hand, I don't think I've missed out. I think I came to be in love in my own time. I love the little person she's become and I love spending time with her and interacting with her. This time, this person - it's a million times more rewarding than the baby time to me. She knows what she's asking for and doing and I'm still high on the list. That makes my heart swell even more than those first few baby smiles that everyone tries to tell you aren't real anyway.
