The road to weaning

This week, we've started having Chrys put Ryanne down for bed. This means I'm not in there. This is supposed to help her wean that before bed feeding. I thought I was ready.

There are major parts of me that are ready to be done nursing. My goal was 2 years. I am so grateful for the time I've gotten with her. We are so lucky to have had it 'work' and sustain itself.

Then, there's the part of me whose heart just breaks when she looks at me as I stand in the living room and she gets taken into her bedroom. The part that cries when she is saying "ilt" and on the verge of tears. I want this to be gentle for her, but I want to encourage her.

Tonight we sang in the living room and that made it better. I got a hug and kiss instead of her refusing. Chrys sang to her some more. She still asked to nurse.

The part of me that loves to sleep is enjoying not hearing a peep from her until after 5am these nights that she's gone down without nursing. The part of me that loves to cuddle misses those frequent night time wakings and feedings.

She still asks to nurse during the day. She still wants it before her nap and when she wakes up (around 5 and for the day). These requests are eagerly granted - moreso than before and maybe that's a benefit that will come from losing this one nursing. I don't think this is a permanent end, but it sure feels more final than I expected.

I thought that this would be our "easy" one. I thought that Chrys putting her down would go smoothly and there wouldn't be a fight. I think I'm scared that this will be the hard one and the others will fall by the wayside as she gets busier during the days and naps less frequently (we're still skipping them now and then). I'm worried that she'll never nurse again once she starts preschool because the day ones will be all that's left and I won't be there during the day.

I know that if I want it I have to be strong. The problem is that right now, I can't remember how much I wanted it before I heard her cry in Chrys' arms that I wasn't there, nursing her.

I'll get through this, right? She won't nurse until she's 18 and ready to move out. There has to be an end at some point. She has to grow up. This one, though, is more painful than I expected now that I've started it.